Bagel or Tuna

I took the tuna out of the pantry. Before eating it I looked at the nutrition facts, it was a habit I had developed. I learned that tuna only has sixty calories which was perfect for my diet. Sometimes I eat tuna and other times I eat bagel sandwiches. Every day, usually at noon, I woke up to eat either of these two "meals," as I called them. Tuna is bland and inconveniently has no flavor to it, but I attempted to give it a better taste by adding lemon, salt and combining it with crackers. A bagel sandwich consisted of one slice of American cheese, a slice of ham and some hot sauce called "Tapatio." At times I would also add egg to it. I got addicted to these sandwiches, but felt guilty every time I eat one because a bagel sandwich has more calories and plenty of more fat than tuna does. When I eat tuna I felt good inside because I knew I had made a healthy choice because it only had 0.5 grams of fat in it. Encountering incidents similar to this one were crucial in the manipulative behavior I had developed.

I slowly began to fall into more dangerous eating habits similar to reading nutrition facts of everything I eat. Every day that I awoke from my sleep, usually around 11:00 am, I chose between a bagel sandwich or tuna. It was certain that either one would be the only meal I would digest for that day. I wasn't hungry anymore. Food did not occupy not one thought in my mind, and instead of feeding myself I would cry non stop or contemplate on what to do with my life. My mind drew a blank when it came nourishing my body. It was as if I had completely forgotten to eat, and I did after a while.

My hazardous behavior towards food ended seven months ago, and now that I reminisce on my eating disorder I realize that I exploit it as a method to take control. I thought my life to be entirely out of order because I felt I was doing nothing productive or beneficial. During this time I also became depressed and believed to be a failure for two reasons; I did not have a job or was not attending college. I was convinced the only way I was capable of dominating my life once again was to take control of my eating habits, because it was the most tangible to me. Plus, dieting was not foreign to me because I witnessed my mom and aunties experience it on multiple occasions. I knew I could not obtain a job when ever I wanted because it was not in my power to hire myself, but reshaping my body was totally up to me. So it began, I first became obsessed with having the perfect body and then turned it into a goal I desperately wanted to accomplish.

In order for me to be in complete control I initially altered my thoughts concerning my body image, nourishment, and food. I assured myself I had gained weight which was the outcome of eating like a “pig”. Now every time I saw my reflection It was as if all my imperfections became inevitably obvious and lead me to be exceedingly self conscious of my body. One day I came to the conclusion that If I kept doing absolutely nothing with my day, and sitting on a couch the whole time, I would become fat. This was simply unacceptable to me because being fat implied looking atrocious and it was one of my biggest fears. I knew the only way to prevent being over weight was to go on a fasting diet or minimizing what I devoured. All of a sudden I felt fat and ugly, and the only way to cease these thoughts was to be skinny again, I assumed.

The next step to be utterly dominant of my eating patterns was to perceive food as my worst enemy, and so I did. Many were shocked, except for me, at the fact that I thought of food as a threat and not an essential need . My initial reaction after alimenting myself was to feel guilty. When I “over” eat all I wanted was to puke everything my body had taken in, but fortunately never got to that extreme. I exaggeratedly analyzed everything I eat and instead of considering the taste of it I solely cared about the calories and amount of fat. Before devouring something I pictured how it would impact my body image and then decided to eat it or not. It never came across my mind that an eating disorder was maturing because I believed to be perfectly fine. All that lured in my mind were ideas of control. I thought what I needed the most was control over my life to be content again. I never accepted the fact that I suffered from anorexia because I was always in denial.

It was not the fact that I almost weighed 100 lbs or had no curves left what triggered me to abandon my control mania along with my eating disorder, but that I got my life back together again. After four months of exposing myself to harmful diets I finally snagged a teller position at the US Bank and enrolled in college. If it were not for these two accomplishments I’m sure I would most definitely be in the fatal stages of anorexia. I never recognized the dramatic changes my body underwent until I properly started alimenting my body and gained all the weight I lost. It was a huge wake up call for me because I sincerely thought nothing was wrong with me. Today I can openly recognize that I was anorexic.